my Dad - a difficult relationship

[danaustin1975]

Hi there,

thank you for reading this post of mine.

Basically, I want to get something off my chest about my relationship with my Dad, and if I'm selfish, self centred I'd like to know, maybe I'm completely wrong, I just want to understand his point of view, and I need to let go feeling bitter, so any insights into my post will be really appreciated.

My sisters have always said he's a control freak, selfish and very tight with his money lol even though he's very well off, and I never believed them and stood up for him. I didn't believe them when they said they'd both had no homes once when they were young, teenagers, and had nowhere to go, and he'd refused to help them out. Since my parents divorced I assumed they were bitter.

Its just a few years ago, I was desperately in need of some help, I haven't worked for a long time due to long term illness, and though I hated asking him for help, I had nowhere else to turn at the time. He didn't reply to my emails, which I thought ok, maybe he forgot, or maybe he thought we should all work for money and not be given it, which is fair enough, but then I started to realise he was never ringing, or rarely visited.

When my Gran died, which was sad, and I was always really close to her and visited a lot, my Grandad gave us all money gifts, and I was given money towards household items, personally I wasn't interested in the whole thing as it was all too morbid but I was given a 5 grand household item gift. My Dad was apointed to see how the money was spent though, and it got all a bit complicated - he wouldn't let me buy what I wanted and only what he wanted etc, and then I ended up regretting I'd been left this money, though I would never complain. He talked my Grandad though into giving me a grand in cash as I had previously, months before asked him for money - which I found strange, as it just seemed wierd, it seemed like my Dad just hadn't wanted to help me out himself, but took advantage of when my Gran died and the 5 grand left to me. Or maybe that's just me being cynical I don't know. Forgive me if that sounds bad.

Is it just me? Am I being selfish? Its just I've found recently I've kind of got distanced from him, lost touch, I stopped ringing him a few years ago as I realised it was me doing all the running, when I felt it should be both ways.

Am I completely wrong? It just feels he doesn't care and I just want to let go of feeling bitter about him, and just not enjoying seeing him, something my sisters always said, they just dont' enjoy spending time with him as he comes across as aloof (he was in a top powered job).

Anyway, just wondered if anyone had any insight into this whole thing and could help me understand more.

Thanks.

[Starscreams Ghost]

selfish in asking your family for help?

you shouldn't feel that

you might feel embarrased having to ask but as I've got myself into terrible debt when younger I know a little how you might feel having nowhere else to turn

in my case however I didn't turn to my parents I hid it from them as it spiralled further out of control driving myself deep into depression and giving myself a stomach ulcer due to stress

my parents noticed that I was behaving differently no longer my ususal happy go lucky self and found all the letters from the banks and debt collectors and confronted me with it

they were angry at me for hiding it from them and I was embarrased about the trouble I'd got myself into and it ended up out of control and I got so wound up the ulcer flared up and made me collapse with the pain

when everything has calmed down and we talked my parents helped me out and got me back on the straight and narrow again

they were most upset at the fact I felt I couldn't go to them for help

I know its a bit of a ramble but the moral of the story is that your parents should always be there for you in times of need

maybe theres something else there making your father distance himself

have you talked to him about how you feel?

or do you feel that it's not worth your time?

give him one more chance to be involved in your life and if he doesn't take it, then from what I can see it's his loss

hope this helps a little with how your feeling

Dont hesitate to pm me if you'd like to discuss it further or in private

Pete

[Sunstreaker]

[glow=red,2,000] If you don't mind me asking, how old is your old man Dan?
[/glow]

[danaustin1975]

Hi Pete, thank you for your message, if its ok I will pm you, it sounds like you've got experience with this and I'm really sorry to hear the trouble you've had, I'll pm you in a minute so thank you for that.

Hi Sunstreaker, my Dad is 60. Don't get me wrong anyone please, I love him, and I've had a good relationship with him until a few years ago when money came into it, as I said when I needed help, and I don't want to give the impression I'm just making a cheap shot of slagging him off lol, its just been hard to understand him, and see things from his point of view.

[Sunstreaker]

[glow=red,2,000] No judgment Mr. Austin! (I don't get the chance to call anyone that very often...) I'm judging by your login you were born in '75 - same year as me - and that with your Dad being 60 this year - My old man would have been 58 - whether or not my personal experience would be of any use to you... It might be, so I'll give it a go...


The day after my A-Level results, my old man asked me what I was intending to do with my life. I said I was planning on going to university to study a pretentious subject, and hopefully have lots of sex. He wished me all the luck in the world, shook my hand and said that it was his responsibility to ensure that I was self-sufficient and capable of looking after myself, and that from that day forward, I was master of my own destiny, responsible for my own financial well-being, and would have to learn to 'stand on my own two feet'.

I'm certain that this attitude is one that was instilled into parents of our generation - children born in the years immediately following WWII, in the wake of rationing and having to secure your 'nest-egg'. Remember, post-war rationing didn't finish until 1951. What strikes me as interesting is that your Dad asked your Grandad to help you out... the will to help you is there - as is the means - but he can't help you directly.

Does that make any kind of sense... or is that more of my usual rambling?
[/glow]

[Rev. Mirage]

Ghosty and I seem to have very similar stories up to a point, I had the same trouble. I got myself into a lot of debt, to the point where I became depressed and was not at all well.

Luckily I managed to overcome my embarassment and spoke to my Dad who helped me sort it out before I got anywhere near as ill as ghosty did.

Ghosty is right you should never feel you can't ask for help. It's what familites are for. They might not be able too do more than give advice. But any help is good!

One thing that I noticed though, you mention that you have lost touch over the past couple of years and that you had come to realise that you always had to do the contacting. I personally would be worried if I didn't speak to either of my parents for more than a couple of weeks at a time. And if I don't call them, they will certainly call me.

[Minion]

For what it's worth, in my experience some people are naturally those who pick up the phone and 'chase', organise meetings, events, etc. Then there are those that you'll never hear from unless you initialise it. Some of my best and oldest friends are like this and in the past I have felt very similar to yourself regarding the situation. I rarely think anything is done intentionally in this respect, it is simply people being different and seeing things differently.

I can't comment on much else as despite having major family issues of the past, they don't really reflect anything in terms of money fall outs or problems.

[danaustin1975]

Thanks guys for your feedack, its' helped, I think maybe I've thought about it a little too much and got wrapped up into thinking the worst.

My Dad has said in the past 'no news is good news' regarding phoning, so maybe its just the way he is.

Yes Sunstreaker, my Dad does come from this generation, and its clear he has this ethos, that you should 'stand on your own two feet' etc, I guess I have to accept that, it was just hard when I really needed help and he wasn't there for me, maybe he didn't know how much I was struggling. I guess you just have to accept why parents are the way they are, they are your parents after all.

I'm going to let go of this whole thing, it has helped putting up a post on here, people are understanding here on Transformers To the Moon, and you get a lot of feedback on the why's and how's.

[Undertaker]

When you wanted things your way and your dad wanted things his way did you ever think to compromise? Did you ask why he thought it was better his way instead of yours?

My great grandfather was a little the same way and when asked why do it his way he would respond that he tried it that way and it worked in the long run. Sometimes you have to ask questions like that to find there resoning in why they think there way is better sometimes.